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Saturday, May 21, 2005 Three days from now I'll be in a Lufthansa jetliner, en route to northern Vermont via the lovely cities of Frankfurt and Boston. Three short days from now. And as that shift has drawn closer during the course of this last week, it's come to feel less abstract, more real -- looming, undeniable, approaching at steadily increasing velocity. Which is my cue to begin the now traditional pre-departure freaking out. It's a quiet affair, the pre-bolt freak, one that affects no one but me, myself and, er, me. And it may actually be that the term 'freak' is a touch exaggerated. (Not that this journal is given to exaggeration or overwrought spewing, mind you. Harrumph.) Just a touch, though, because as emotional processes go, this one is genuine, heartfelt, one that can burn up a substantial pile of linear time/mental calories as I work my way through it. Which I always do. Eventually. I tend not to write about times I find myself skidding through big, goofy emotional states, at least not directly. A scribbler of greater abilities than mine might be able to pull that kind of thing off, but it's not -- or at least has not been to this point -- my strong suit. Whenever I head off in that direction, the product becomes a big waste of everyone's time -- turgid, silly, boring -- pretty much in no time flat. So I try to stick with stuff I hope will not put visitors immediately to sleep. Anyway. The process these last few days has been directly connected with insufficient sleep, a state that got underway a week and a half before the DELE exam, me waking up in the early hours, getting no more than four or five hours of shuteye a night, not enough to truly disrupt daily existence but with enough cumulative power to affect nerves already slightly ragged, emotions already a teeny bit raw. Post-exam social activity and nerves unwinding at their own slow pace continued the waking-too-early thing until yesterday, when my body let me know it wanted an early night and I listened. Result: a full, satisfying night of sleep. Creating a happier me, more sanguine, more relaxed. Something I experience in the days before each return to Vermont: a hyperawareness that all the elements that form the life in this part of the world -- the sounds of conversation in Castellano, of music coming from a bar or club; the faces I see every day here in the barrio; the Saturday night streets overflowing with people; the radio stations I listen to, the bits of Spanish television I watch, the espresso (the espresso!), the food (the food!) -- will not be part of my days for a while. Edged, I think, with the awareness that life has its unpredictabilities, that I have not been, these last years, completely certain where I'll be a few months off in the future, something that can give rise to real sadness, even a species of panic if I dwell on it. Something I try not spend to devote too much time to, given the way it squanders this day, this moment. Two nights ago: me, out with the group of people I've connected with recently. Soaking it up, knowing I'll be thousands of miles away soon. (Makes it bittersweet at times, lapsing into that 'won't be here soon' hooha.) And then I forget about it, enjoy the conversation, watching the faces around me and the life shining through them, enjoy the tunes on the stereo, the chow we're hoovering down. The simple things, the important things. The rest of it can get stuffed. Saturday evening's coming on. Time to go enjoy it. Madrid, te quiero. rws 5:52 AM [+]
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