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Tuesday, March 08, 2005 I don't know about you, but I've spent a lot of these last 24 hours submerged in thought. Yesterday: went to see Sideways (called 'Entre Copas' here -- 'Between Drinks'), took a long walk through the city center afterwards, as late afternoon gave way to evening. Thinking about the film, thinking about earlier periods of my life. Wondering if I'd ever been as lost as the two nitwits portrayed in the story (answer: yes). Wondering if I'd ever treated any women as badly as the story‘s ladychaser did (don't think so, sincerely hope not). Wondering if I'd ever been as unhappy as the main character, if I'd ever suffered under the weight of as miserable a self-image (maybe). It's been a long while since I've counted an out-and-out jackass among my circle of friends.* And it's been a blessedly long time since I disliked myself or my life in anything close to the way the protagonist in the film does. I've seen me change in ways that have dragged my existence from some sad, dark places into technicolor and vistavision, step by slow, deliberate step. For which I am more appreciative and grateful than I can say. I tend to think that my life mirrors back to me where I am internally, meaning, for instance, that the absence of out-and-out jackasses among my life's current cast of characters is not chance but rather an indication that I'm more aware of what I have, what I want, how things feel to me, and that, armed with all that information, I've come to choose better. This doesn't mean that loose cannons don't skid through these parts in the course of daily life. Because they surely do. It means that what I choose to do, how I choose to react and what my priorities are have changed. And I get to choose again if my first choice wasn't too swift. And then again. And as many times after that as are necessary to produce desirable results. A way in which I'm far less limited than the younger versions of me. And of course there are those moments when I probably am the loose cannon skidding around the deck. But they pass. I tend not to stay too stupid for too long nowadays.** So I wandered, thinking about all this tedious stuff. Happy to be where I was, and more than content with the company I kept (me and several thousand souls passing through the center's streets). And when, later that night, I finally called it a day and hit the sack, I found myself in the middle of one dream adventure after another, all night long, stretching right on through the wee hours. Waking up now and then -- mentally still plugged into the dream world I'd just been part of -- then slipping back off to sleep. Over and over again, on and on and on, all sorts of people taking part in the stories -- mostly folks I'd never met before, along with one or two faces from my 3-D existence back in the States. Vivid, intense dreams that mostly didn't make the trip back to waking reality with me this morning, apart from a couple of images. All of it feeling, in a way, like an extension of the previous evening's thought-fest, though I can't point to any obvious connections apart from the wildly spinning wheels. This morning: dragging myself back to more concrete reality via laundry, studying, language class, where things got heavy, turgid as conversation veered unexpectedly toward heavy subjects, the kind that can raise blood pressure, bleed away fun and enjoyment. Sending me flying out the door, deep in thought once more, coming directly home to try and discharge some of the wheel-spinning via flailing fingers on computer keyboard. Mission accomplished. At least for now. *I say that ignoring the times I may have been the out-and-out jackass among my circle of friends. I tend to think it's been a long while since I've played that part, though there may be a few confused souls who disagree. **Once again, there may be a few confused souls who would disagree, but happily, they don't get to opine here. They'll have to carp and contradict on their own web pages -- pages undoubtedly less adorable than this one, unadorned as they are with bitchen pointy boots. ************ Your computer: an innocent-looking portal to DEATH and DESTRUCTION!! Madrid, te quiero. rws 12:13 PM [+]
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