Around the corner from here along la Calle de Hortaleza, one of the neighborhood's two main drags -- the first Monday of February, the first sunshine in several days:
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Received in today's e-mail
(are they actual instructions, as in actually actual?
who can say? -- they're not bad, though):
ACTUAL IN-REHEARSAL INSTRUCTIONS TO THE ORCHESTRA
FROM PROFESSIONAL CONDUCTORS:
Please don't use the depth-charge pizzicato.
Pianissimo doesn't mean to drop the fuck out.
Listen to the tune, and then accompany it in a non-disgraceful fashion.
Let's see if you can pizzicato together in a non-banjo-like way.
It's very hard to raise money for something that sounds like this does.
Imagine you're getting enough money for what you do.
Not so bright. It sounds like "Orpheus in His Underwear."
Play short, especially if you don't know where you are.
That was a drive-by viola solo.
Horns, imagine that you've had a really ugly breakfast and it's about to come up.
There is a lot of fishing for notes. I wish you would catch them.
Strings, I know what you're thinking: "With all this racket going on, why am I playing?" Well, there's no time for existential questions right now.
This must be much more agitated. Think of someone you hate. Think of your mother-in-law.
The place where you will be shot if you come in early is the bar before 26.
Now forget all the nasty things I said and play naturally.
You're all wondering what speed it's going to go. Well, so am I.
Play as if you were musicians.
[For further jokes in this vein -- far, far too many of them, in fact -- go here.]
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Also making the e-mail rounds: a bit called "'Rings' characters discuss Oscar snub."
An excerpt:
"At least one individual, calling himself Smeagol, claimed to be making plans to steal the Oscar statuettes. 'Oscar is sooo pretty, sooo golden,' said Smeagol. 'We will take the statuesss once the Hollywood snobses are dead! Ye-esss, precious!' He then quickly added, groveling at the feet of reporters, 'No! No! We wass only joking! Smeagol wouldn't hurt a fly! Nice movie industry.' He crawled away before he could be questioned further."
The entire bit, along with other entertainment, can be found at Reservoir Hobbits.
rws 1:20 PM [+]