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Sunday, May 18, 2003 And now for something -- I am not kidding here -- completely different. Today's entry: a joyful guest rant contributed by a friend (Lois -- a true babe and the youngest grandmother I know in virtually every way I can think of) considering certain earthy, fundamental, down-and-dirty aspects of caring for her two-year-old grandson. WARNING: this piece trades in certain nuts-and-bolts type scatological realities of human anatomy and pre-toilet-training babyhood -- if that is not your cup of, er, tea, you may want to make a fast exit before venturing any further. Still here? Right, then -- buckle your seatbelt and put on some heavy weather gear: WHOOO HOOOO!!!!! IT'S POTTY TIME! Nicholas is approaching 2-1/2 years now ---- which is the average age that parents begin to try to persuade, demand or bribe their toddlers to use a potty. Learning to use the potty feels like a future event that may never ever happen for us! I mean.... Nicholas could care less about WHERE or WHEN he does his business. I honestly just don't think it's ever gonna happen! I think only the diaper changers care about the potty training. Why should the kids care? Kids are never even uncomfortable with those super-duper, leakproof, always powder-fresh and dry-as-a-bone -- no matter what -- disposable diapers. Well, they can get heavy..... REEEEAL HEAVY...... but toddlers are so strong and active -- they can still easily outrun most adults with a ten-pound diaper sagging and swinging between their legs. It's amazing.....where does all the stuff GO anyway? I think these new and improved disposable diapers are really miniature septic tanks strapped to the kids' behinds. Changing a diaper on a toddler becomes almost impossible. When Nicholas' diaper begins to resemble the Goodyear blimp.... he has to be CAUGHT and then wrestled to the floor to get the damned thing off. HELL, NOOOOOOO! he doesn't want a fresh diaper ---- NOT NOW ----- NOT EVER------ thank you very much! And even after catching the little streak of lightning……...... you need at least four hands and a couple extra people holding him down just to get a fresh diaper on before he escapes happily squealing butt-naked across the room! You think you have a hold on him and then SWOOOOSH he's just GONE. WHOOO HOOOO ---- he just loves being naked! HEY, COME BACK HERE, NICHOLAS! C'MON.....LETS GET A DIAPER ON. PLEEEEEASE! He stands grinnin' from the other side of the room.... touching himself just to make sure he really is naked. Once he escapes.... it becomes like a paintball war game. He waits for me to make a move towards him before he giggles and sprints to the other side of the room again. What a FUN game / NOT! I have to walk around the furniture to get to wherever he stood last --- but he can slither and slide and crawl under or behind almost everything in the room. I shoulda tied a rope around him while he was on the floor. But Nicholas is beyond delighted. OOPS.... NOW HE'S LOOKING DOWN .... THIS IS NOT GOOD! NOT GOOD AT ALL! OH, NOOOOOOO, now he's concentrating on the floor like someone who has just lost an earring. Then he moves his feet about hip distance apart and slightly bends his knees! OHHHHH, NOOOOO -- HEY, NICHOLAS.... PLEASE.... PLEASE...... PLEASE......... OH, PLEASE -- DONT PEE ON THE CARPET ! uhhhhh AGAIN. Too late.....he already has that "LOOK" on his face. By the time a toddler boy gets to the potty phase of his life…..... he has pretty much peed on everything in the house.... the bedspreads, the carpet, the walls, the moms and dads and mamaws..... you name it…… whatever is in his pee range gets wet. And I dont think you can have a little boy in the house without getting sprayed right in the face at least a few times. But mamaws like me don't care about a little pee from their grandbabies. Their cute little puddles just dont seem like real urine. I used to let Nicholas run around without a diaper on…..yanno, to AIR IT ALL OUT from time to time....... and so what if he happens to pee.......... that is ---- until he did more than just a puddle on the floor. OH MY GOD…. what a mess! He escaped and was sprinting along his tricky diaper-dodging route and pooping at the same time. PLEASE STOP.... PLEASE DONT TAKE ANOTHER STEP! But now he's like a little man on a mission….. happily marching and pooping across the room. YUCK! GAG A MAGGOT! I finally get a hold on his waist, put my hand over his bottom, hoping to stop what's happening, and manage to make an even bigger mess. I shoulda just let him keep marching along. At least it wasn't being scattered and smeared, too. Omigod... I do believe someone has been feeding this child superglue laced with sulpher! SHOOOOO ! It took a whole box of those baby wipes to erase the trail of poop. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, are little kids thrilled with their own body waste or what? They will poop as easily on the floor or in the bathtub as they do in their diaper. And you better be reeeeeal quick grabbing it before they do! You don't have time to get a tissue! Better just grab it before he does! Yep, even a kid like Nicholas who can't stand dirty hands will pick up poop for some reason. Must look like play dough....... ‘cause toddlers wanna creatively squish it and smear it into some kinda crappy artwork ....... and yepper.... they will also put it in their mouth if they get half a chance. Yep, its really true…. even if a kid won't taste homemade mashed potatoes.... most will try a little poop if they get the chance. I have heard some really disgusting stories that you probably don't wanna hear. DISGUSTING to a child and DISGUSTING to an adult are two different things, for sure. And now I am supposed to just put these cute little Spiderman briefs on him? OH, PUHLEEEEEASE! A single layer of fabric? There's no built-in septic systems in these things! It might be POTTY TIME ---- but I'm afraid that this just ain't gonna work! To be honest, now that it's POTTY TIME for Nicholas... .I'm amazed that so many adults are walking around without diapers. I mean.... the way it's going so far...... I just don't think its ever gonna happen for real. But he does sit on his plastic potty watching the potty-training video. But how in the hell do you ever get the idea across that he is supposed to go in that potty like the video hints and sings about? A little kid that sorta looks like a sweet little naked Bart Simpson appears and introduces all the body parts beginning with his head and ending by bending over to proudly show you his "poop hole" where his poop comes from. Well, thank you for sharing, Bart! I check the box to see if this thing is X-rated. But nope.... it just says 'potty training for little boys.' I watch Nicholas watching this kiddie smut.... this little Bart character wearing only a short tee shirt and he sure ain't shy! He jumps and dances around the TV screen. Nicholas doesn't seem to notice the naked part..... but of course..... my eyes are glued to the little penis. Sorry......But I've just never seen this kinda kiddie porn before. I just can't believe how the artists make it wiggle and jiggle when he jumps around talking about his penis. OOPSIE..... did anyone ever ever tell Nicholas that he even has a penis? I always go from the belly button straight down to the knees... Hey, if it's covered by a diaper..... there ain't no need to include it in the body-parts drill is my rule of thumb. The potty training video sings about 'being a big kid now' and demonstrates how to sit on the potty.... singing little toe-tapping songs about putting the pee-pee and poo-poo in the potty. Catchy songs that continue 24/7 inside my head. Of course, Nicholas loves the music and singing on the video..... he always gets up to dance to the pee-pee song and is thrilled by all the naked (real) babies that are all singing from their potty chairs like some kinda Ann Geddes crap photo shoot that never made it to the Hallmark cards. The video only shows their naked little behinds --- probably so they can use this same clip for the little girls' potty training video too. They probably just lengthen Bart's hair and erase the penis, transgendering little Bart into a little Barbara. Yep, IT'S POTTY TIME 'round here…. I know that it's probably gonna eventually happen…. but HOW does it ever happen? And WHEN does it ever happen? Can someone send me a poopy prayer ‘cause I'm just all diapered out! rws 12:04 PM [+]
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