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Monday, November 25, 2002 So let’s see. Last Wednesday I ordered a few CDs from Half.com (now an e-bay fiefdom). Because Half.com is the strange place that it is, each CD turned out to be purchased from a different seller. So, fine. A bunch of CDs began making their way across this broad land of ours toward my mail box. Today – five days later! hot damn!– three of ‘em arrived. Brought ‘em inside, carefully opened the mailing pouches (thanks to my childhood indoctrination re: reusing mailing pouches that arrive in good condition). The first package turned out to be a CD by those Australian head cases, the Vines. "Highly Evolved" -- it’s playing right now in the background. Fine rock ‘n’ roll. Whoever packaged the CD up wrapped it neatly up in a page from the September 19 issue of Rolling Stone. One side of the sheet: page 125. The other side: page 126. From the very rear section of the issue where the classified ads lurk. It’s been a while since I’ve perused an issue of RS, so I took a look at what they were pushing on their readers. Here’s what I found: Page 125 consisted of: – five (count ‘em – five) ads for outfits wanting to train me (or you) to be a recording engineer -- one promising "No experience required. On-the-job training in local major Recording Studios.... -- along with two ads from more ambitious, possibly more legitimate concerns offering a broader spectrum of training options (video production, radio production, digital media, computer animation, etc.) – two ads aimed at college students – "Term Paper assistance – send for our free catalog listing 19,278 quality research papers...." and "University Degrees – You may qualify for a Bachelor’s Master’s or Ph.D. degree based on your life and work experience. Free confidential evaluations." – one ad for the CIA – "Opportunities as diverse as the nation we serve. Challenges for a changing world." – one ad promising the following (in LARGE LETTERS): "Increase Breast Size ... Guaranteed #1 Seller In America! Now she can increase her breast size with the #1 selling breast formula in America! Bloussant Breast Enhancing Tablets increases her breast size, firmness and fullness – naturally! An independent double blind clinical study states that ‘Breast volume, bustline, breast width, breast circumference and breast length were all significantly increased." The clinical study also showed an average increase of 2 cup sizes – and, in several participants, an increase of 3 cup sizes. No more artificial padding or expensive surgical implants. Get back the increased cleavage and gain back the firmness she had as a teenager. NOT available in stores!" That’s page 125. Page 126 consisted of one half-page ad whose banner read "EXCLUSIVE Jenna Jameson Bobblehead plus FREE VHS or DVD Videos!", three classified ads for videos ("OSVS Bizarre Sex Videos!" "Topless Lolitas" "Traci Lords"), six ads that fell under the category of "Teledating" ("BI CURIOUS LOCALS! Live Male Phone Chat" "Casual Sex Dateline" "Sexy Girls Want It Now!") and a whole big bunch of ads for "Phone Entertainment." I have a vague memory of the days when "Phone Entertainment" meant calling random numbers and asking if their refrigerator was running (Punchline: "It is? You better go catch it!" followed by helpless snorts of teenage laughter). In this case it’s more along the lines of "1-800-WIFE-CHAT – Bored housewives love to be naughty" and "Hot Coeds" and "Horny Nasty Babes!" And then there’s the tried and true "FOR A GOOD TIME CALL MONA." And even one that says "Wild Sex Like The Rock Stars!" Those rock stars -- ever the role models. Did whoever wrapped my order use this page ‘cause they didn’t want to waste paper containing a readable article? And what’s with the bobblehead hooha – aren’t people tired of those things yet? How many recording engineers does the world need? And what kind of folks answer those phone sex ads? The world is awash in mystery and unanswered questions. rws 7:04 PM [+]
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