Yet another secret diary from The Lord of The Rings (I swear this is the last of them):
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE
Day One: Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh, no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it would be all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die. Did I say that out loud?
Day Three: Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him. Gandalf told me to help get poor unconscious Mr. Frodo out of dirty clothes. So took clothes off him and gave him a bath. And another one. Then gave him another bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite enough, Samwise Gamgee. Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath since the Second Age.
Day Four: Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet?
Day Six: Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although seems concerned as to why his fingers are all wrinkled. Decided not to tell him about all the baths.
Day Seven: Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor. Mr. Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful! Well, okay, possibly not very tall.
Day Eight: Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship v. dodgy if you ask me. Especially Boromir. "Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight" my Aunt Lobelia. Obviously a pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with small men in shorts.
Day Nine: Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Eleven: V. dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn every time he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark. Gandalf fell into bottomless pit. Good. Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli. Ick.
Day Thirty: Lothlorien v. pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr. Frodo left, right and center. Pippin agrees. Told Pippin height difference would make relationship impossible. Pippin said Mr. Frodo could stand on stilts. Hate Pippin.
Day Thirty-Two: Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady.
Day Thirty-Three: Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr. Frodo. Got shot down of course but not before made spectacle of himself. Claims was trying to take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all know that's a big fib don't we? Later, Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something. Frodo off to Mordor. Taking me along, hurrah! Mr. Frodo needs cheering up. Seems depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren wastelands of the Dark Lord's realm. We'll see about that.