The following was received via e-mail a couple of weeks back (thanks to Gill). It's undergone a bit of rewriting and clean-up:
The Lord of The Rings meets Bridget Jones's Diary:
THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN, SON OF ARATHORN
Day 1: Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good. Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it. Still not King.
Day 4: Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying. Not King yet.
Day 6: Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes! Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back. Still not King.
Day 10: Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Balrog. Not King today either.
Day 11: Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy. Legolas may be hotter than me. I wonder if he would like me if I was King?
Day 28: Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off. Still not King.
Day 30: In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench. Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad. Took a shower. Yay! But still not King.
Day 32: Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy. Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind. I think Legolas might be kinda gay. Nope, not King.
Day 33: Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good. Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay. Not so sure about Gimli either. RIP Boromir. Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. That might, however, have been blood loss.
Day 34: Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why? My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me? Not so sure about me either. Still not King, goddammit.
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The Very Secret Diary of Boromir of Gondor
Day 1: Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He thinks he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I mean, just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that.... er, what? Oh, sorry. Got distracted there for a bit. Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by Aragorn's enormous... rudeness. Ooops.
Day 3: Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.
Day 4: Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back. Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up his.... Stupid Ring.
Day 5: Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo. Ha Ha! Ha! Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day 6: Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo." "Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir, quit trying to cut off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring." Blatant favoritism most annoying.
Day 10: Why isn't Aragorn into me ?
Day 11: Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria. Kind of liked it, actually. Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little things, too.... In other news, Gandalf died.
Day 30: In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my rugged yet unwashed manliness. Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha Ha! Big elfy git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose. Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time he did not mean with each other. Stupid Aragorn.
Day 33 : Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it. Must admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it. Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face). Aragorn would be jealous. Ha! Later, I was killed by orcs. Stupid orcs.