The following is a bit of holiday entertainment that's made the rounds in the 'net universe (without attribution -- if anyone is aware the name(s) of the author(s), please let me know):
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas
Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon
in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue.
No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up
dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit
at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be
done at that time -- however, no gift should be over
$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an
important holiday which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
Party." The same policy applies to employees who are
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no
Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We
will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking
table... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous
anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange.
No gift exchanges are allowed since the union members
feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
believe $10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFTS
EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that
December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan,
which forbids eating and drinking during daylight
hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not
accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps
Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the
end of the party -- the days are so short this time of
year -- or else package everything for take-home in
little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters
Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, -- each will
have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the gay
men's table. To the person asking permission to
cross-dress, no cross-dressing allowed.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat
food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot
control the salt used in the food -- we suggest for
those people with high blood-pressure problems to
taste first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics.
The restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts.
Sorry!
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice... what do
you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire
regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by
our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but
we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle
during the band's breaks.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by
having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the
anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is
no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit." It's a tradition, folks,like sugar-shock at
Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey
or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
Could we lighten up? Please?????????
Also, the company has changed its mind in announcing
the special announcement at the gathering. You will
get a notification in the mail sent to your home.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party
I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all
about. What the %#&^!@ do I care? I KNOW WHAT I AM
GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address
now and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of
address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in
and change your address, I will have you hung from the
ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're
going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue
whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at
the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you
so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad
bar, including hydroponics tomatoes. But you know,
they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you
slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right now! HA!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and
die -- do you hear me???????
FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis
a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and
I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the
sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to
cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.