More Yuletide entertainment that has made its way around the net in past years (no, I've never seen it with an author's name attached -- should such authorial-type individual stumble across this page, see the following piece and find themselves overcome with an overwhelming desire for vengeance, I would ask that person -- assuming they can prove authorship -- to please act in the spirit of the season and not sue my hollied/tinseled/garlanded ass without first giving me a chance to provide proper attribution or, alternatively, remove the offending bit of diversion from this webpage):
THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (politically corrected)
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically-imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting-adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note).
TEN melanin-deprived, testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping.
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression.
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved bovine-Americans.
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally-protected wetlands.
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products.
FIVE golden symbols of culturally-sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration. (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint all over my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitats. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift packages have been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs.
THREE deconstructionist poets.
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...
ONE spotted owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Merry Christmas! Happy Chanukah! Good Kwanzaa! Blessed Yule! (Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If such is the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with a suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.)