|
Thursday, October 11, 2001 According to my Simpsons calendar, this is quite a week when it comes to the birthdays of notable musicians: Sunday, 7 Oct. -- Yo-Yo Ma (b. 1955) Monday, 8 Oct. -- Columbus Day (observed), Thanksgiving Day in Canada (the same day the bombardment commenced in Afghanistan -- what halfwit plans this stuff?) Tuesday, 9 Oct. -- John Lennon (b. 1940) Wednesday, 10 Oct. -- Thelonious Monk (b. 1917) Thursday, 11 Oct. -- Art Blakey (b. 1919) Friday, 12 Oct. -- Alistair Crowley (b. 1975), Dick Gregory (b. 1932) -- not known for contributions to the musician world, but what the hell Sat., 13 Oct. -- Art Tatum (b. 1910), Paul Simon (b. 1941) Whoa, hold on -- Paul Simon just turned 60? That can't be right. I was teeny when he and Art G. were cranking out the hits. That must mean that my age is now.... (Pause to count on fingers, followed by sound of embarrassed coughing.) Er... best we don't go there. A few more birthdays of note, mostly from the film/theatre world: Tuesday, 9 Oct. -- Jacques Tati (b. 1908) Wednesday, 10 Oct. -- Harold Pinter (b. 1930) (Yeah, Harold! Thanks for all the intense theatrical wackiness!) Sat., 13 Oct. -- Yves Montand (b. 1921) ********************************** The following item has made its way around the 'net for years now in slightly differing versions. It arrived in my mailbox today, maybe the 10th or 15th time it's sought me out, and considering there's something taking shape in the world right now that many consider to be (a) a religious conflict, (b) a holy war, or (c) a war against terrorism (pick the term you find most appropriate), it feels fitting to slap the bugger into today's journal entry [NOTE: this bit of entertainment has always made the e-mail rounds without any author being credited -- if any copyright, er, thingies are being broken, ruptured, spindled, folded or mutilated by me posting this bugger here, I grovel in advance with sincere, heartfelt apologies and humbly beg & plead that you not sue my still-surprisingly-shapely-for-my-age ass without first either giving me a chance to (a) remove this bit of harmless comedy from this web page or (b) supply whatever necessary attribution would calm you down and make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside]: god working to improve his/her/its customer service. . . . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, (S)He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions: 1. How did you find out about your deity? __ Newspaper __ Bible __ Torah __ Koran __ Television __ Book of Mormon __ Divine Inspiration __ Dead Sea Scrolls __ My Mama Done Tol' Me __ Near Death Experience __ Near Life Experience __ National Public Radio __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery __ Other (specify): _____________ 2. Which model deity did you acquire? __ Jehovah __ Jesus __ Krishna __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] __ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] __ Allah __ Satan __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer) __ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin) __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: __ Not eternal __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos __ Not omniscient __ Not omnipotent __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations) __ Permits sex outside of marriage __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage __ Makes mistakes __ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people __ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people __ Looks after life other than that on Earth __ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched __ Requires burnt offerings __ Requires virgin sacrifices 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply. __ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live __ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in whom to despise __ Needed focus in whom to love __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself __ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church __ Fear of death __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Wanted to please parents __ Needed a day away from school or work __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like organ music __ Need to feel morally superior __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool __ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell __ Shit was falling out of the sky __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it 5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. __ Baal __ The Almighty Dollar __ Left Wing Liberalism __ The Radical Right __ Amon Ra __ Beelzebub __ Bill Gates __ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur __ The Great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin __ The Sun __ The Moon __ The Force __ Cindy Crawford __ Elvis __ A burning shrub __ Psychiatry __ Other: ________________ 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. __ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology __ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Self-help books __ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll __ Biorhythms __ Alcohol __ Marijuana __ Bill Clinton __ Tea Leaves __ EST (now called The Forum) __ Amway __ CompuServe __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Crystals __ Human sacrifice __ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert __ Insurance policies __ Burning shrubbery __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Barney Fife __ Other:_____________________ __ None 7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? Circle one below: a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know. e. What's Divine Intervention? 8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the handling of the following (1 =unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent): a. Disasters: 1 2 3 4 5 flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 Spam 1 2 3 4 5 AOL b. Miracles: 1 2 3 4 5 rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever 9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and addresses of Her/His followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings? __ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own mortal soul __ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamouring for my money 10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach additional sheet if necessary.) rws 7:19 PM [+]
Comments:
Post a Comment
|